How To Stuff A City Elf's Bikini
by mousestalker
Summary: The Big Arl is ruining every elf's beach fun. It's time for one surfer to take a stand and take back the beach. Crack.
1. Chapter 1

Big Arl Is Ruining The Beach

The whole gang was gathered at Alerith's Beach Shacke when Shianni came staggering up. At first they all thought she had a few beers early, but when they saw her black eye, everyone gathered around. Kalli ran to get some ground meat from Alerith. Shianni sat on the bench and pressed the raw meat to her eye.

"What happened, Shianni?" Kalli asked. Shianni was her best friend and cousin. She may have liked beer a bit much, but she was fundamentally a good girl.

"It was Big Arl. I crossed over from the Alienage into the market and he and his goons popped me with their foot lines. I ducked as best I could, but Vaughan's line caught me in the eye. He's a nogoodnick!"

Kalli nodded sympatheically and hugged her friend. Vaughan may have been the best surfer on Denerim Beach, but he was a mean one. As Big Arl he had decreed that none of the elves could ever leave their stretch of the beach, "The Alienage". But he and his goons had the full run. It also meant that no elf could ever challenge him. With the Surf Off coming up, it looked like he was a shoo-in for Big Arl for another year.

Kalli said "We'd better get some lotion on you. If you aren't careful, you'll burn to a crisp. The other girls around agreed. Nola and Nessa helped rub Shianni down with SPF protection. Shianni went to lie down in the shade.

Kalli's other cousin Soris said "There's bound to be more trouble."

Valora, a girl who always seemed to be near Soris added "What can we do though? As long as Vaughan is Big Arl he makes the rules."

An older woman, Elva, yelled at the teens from the Shacke "Give up, get off the beach and grow up. Elves weren't meant to surf!"

Kalli said "Don't listen to her. We're good surfers. In fact, that gives me an idea. I'm going to challenge the BIg Arl in the Surf Off!"

Everyone looked at her. Flies buzzed in and out of their open mouths.

Finally Soris said, "You're crazy. Vaughan's goons will never let you near the competition. To enter you have to be at the far end of the beach from us, right there at the Dance Palace, right where Vaughan and his goons hang out and then surf all the way through Ostagar through the Ogre and then end at Lothering. No elf has ever surfed through the Ogre."

Kalli looked at him, gave them all a sly look and said "I have a plan..."

All of the teens huddled close.


	2. Chapter 2

_They're Just These Guys_

The teens looked at Kalli with wide eyes.

Finally Valora spoke for them all "Kalli it will never work."

Kalli frowned a little and said "It might work, Val. I know it's tricky, but it could work."

"You'll need the Maker's own luck to pull it off. It's hard enough for us to get out there fast. You do one Barbie paddle and that's it."

"I know", Kalli agreed, "but if we don't do something that jerk will just keep pushing us around. It just be me. We need at least three boards out there."

An incredibly cute boy Kalli had never seen before spoke up "I'm in."

"You know you can count on me, cousin" Soris said a beat later.

Kalli hugged her cousin, then turned to the stranger and hugged him firmly.

"Hi! I'm Kalli and this is my cousin Soris" She beamed at him.

He gulped and said "I'm Ros. Pleasedtomeetyou." He regained himself and shook Soris' hand.

"Thanks for volunteering Ros!"

"We can't just sit and take this." He said staunchly.

"I agree. Let's go see a man about a board."

As they walked and talked the teens passed a group of life guards. Denerim's elite lifesavers were known as the Grey Watchers and they were widely known as the tops of their trade.

Kalli enjoyed the view as they approached. She noticed the Grays did as well. Out of the corner of her eye she saw one begin to turn to watch her pass. She decided to give the man a treat and swayed her hips for a bit. She heard one of the Grays say "C'mon Alley, you'd think you've never seen a girl before."

Kalli grinned. Soris saw what she was up to and grinned down at her.

"Sheesh Kalli, you are such a tease!"

Ros nodded in agreement on the other side of her.

"I'll say!"

"Maybe a little" she agreed and hugged Soris again.

Ye Olde Board Shoppe was across a path from the beach and the Dance Palace. Kalli and her escort veered left and entered on the street side, away from the beach.

The smell of salt, wood and wax hit them softly.

"Welcome to the best surf shop in Denerim, possibly all of Ferelden!" a cheerful voice boomed.

Herry was being deceptively modest. His partner Wade made the best boards anywhere.

"Kalli went to the counter "Herry, we gotta talk to Wade!"

He smiled down at the elf and shook his head, "If you need a board, we have many fine pre-made boards."

"We need custom boards."

"I'll paint them however you like."

"Really custom boards."

Wade glared at them from around the corner. "Don't tease me. No one ever brings me a real challenge. I want to spread my wings, not put in cupholders."

Kelli goggled. Cupholders, really? Then she regained focus.

"I need a short board, maybe six feet long."

"We have baby boards in stock as well" Herry informed her, rather starchily.

"Not a baby board." Kalli said firmly "Those are as wide as long boards. We need three short boards that have the same proportions as long boards."

Kalli could see Wade's interest was engaged.

She added, "We need them before the Surf Off."

"Impossible!" Herry objected. "We're fully booked for months. We could start after the sea-"

Wade cut in "You're going to challenge the not so Big Arl?"

Kalli nodded.

"I know just how to do it. This is a true challenge! We'll drop everything and start work immediately."

Herry looked ashen.

"I need to measure all three of you" Wade continued blithely. "Step back here and I'll get started."

Two hours later the trio left feeling both sobered and elated. Part one of the plan was in motion. Now for the rest of it.


	3. Chapter 3

Cue the Lame Villains

The gang had all gathered back on the beach after sunset to celebrate phase one of the plan. Kalli noticed that one of the Gray Watchers on duty seemed to be scanning the group with his binoculars.

"With my luck it's that geezer Dunk instead of that dreamy blond guy" she thought morosely. Kalli had her standards. Dunk was very good looking, but he was easily twenty five and rumour had it he was a beatnik. He certainly had the beard for it.

While Kalli woolgathered, the boys had gathered firewood and stacked it in a pit. Soris lit the fire with a flourish and within moments there was a merry bonfire. Everyone gathered around while Shianni and Nessa passed out pop. Valora brought out her guitar and began playing.

The gang had just put all their hot dogs over the fire when the beach bullies, Loggy, his main Cauthy, their toady Rendy and the rest of the hoodlums slinked out of the kicked some sand into Soris' face.

"Word has it you're challenging the Big Arl. Your elven rebellion is gonna fail. I bet heavy on Vaughan and so the V is going to win." Loggy sneered. "V is for victory. Vaughan's victory."

"You tell 'em Loggy!" Cauthy egged her man on. She was entirely too blonde and buxom for words. Kalli had also seen her carry Loggy home after he passed out drunk. She was not to be trifled with, unless you were Loggy Mactir.

"I'm putting our best man to work stopping you pesky elves. Show 'em Rendy" Loggy stepped aside.

Rendy whispered, "Jeez, it's Rendon, Loggy" before striding to the front.

"Just show them" Loggy urged.

"I'm going to use the Amaranthine Claw!" He bragged. "Nothing and no one can resist the claw!" He held up his right hand and made pinching motions with it.

"It's irresistible!" He said redundantly.

Stepping to Loggy, Rendy pinched his neck. Loggy just scowled. Shrugging, Rendy tried pinching Cauthy's neck, but she just batted his hand away after a few moments.

Rendy then muttered "It's going to work this time" and pinched his own neck. He then straightened up, looked dazed, grew stiff and toppled over with a huge grin on his face.

"That was Rendy von Howe!" announced Loggy as Cauthy picked up the stiff man and carried him with as easily as her own surfboard.

The rest of the lowlifes followed her into the night.

"Well, that was something. I'm not sure what" mused Shianni into the stunned silence.

The silence broken, the teens all laughed and resumed chatting and laughing until late that night.


	4. Chapter 4

_The Stuff of Dreams_

Beach Elf Totty: ht tp:/ /fa v.m e/d32orz (omit spaces)

Theme music: ht tp:/ /yo u /i9rg2uP_xXk (omit spaces)

As the party wound down most of the girls returned home. Soris and Ros went off to 'do boy stuff' which Kalli guessed involved trying to get beer. The events of the day, the good food and the sound of the waves made her very drowsy and she started to nod off.

There was a pipeline out there, she could see it. A pipeline just out of reach in the dark that called to her. She could see the rocks just outside of the sweet spot. She knew that riding it would be insane. She knew that it was impossible. She knew that the pipeline wanted her to crash. She also knew that she had to to try.

Kalli awoke suddenly. The very good looking Gray from earlier in the day was gently shaking her.

"Bad dreams, huh?"

"It seemed so real..."

"Well, it is real. All the Grey Watchers can here it. We call it the Archdemon. The dark spawns it, but no one has successfully ridden it since Gary Hale back in the day.

" "That was a long time ago."

"Did you know he was an elf? I'm babbling aren't I?"

He was babbling yes, but he was adorable. He even had a wonderful accent. Kalli had a hidden 'thing' about men with accents.

"I'm sorry, I'm being rude, I'm Alistair, but you can call me Alley."

"Kalli, I'm Kalli Tabris."

"I've seen you surfing. Word has it you're going up against Vaughan. I hope you do well."

"Hope I do well?"

Alley flushed. He was coming off as an idiot and he very much did not want that.

"Gray Watchers can't take sides. As lifeguards we're supposed to remain neutral."

"Ooooh"

He loved the way she drew that out. He was also sure she was mocking him a bit.

"Anything else you can tell me about the Archdemon? Like, how to surf it."

"Well, you'd better have good night vision. Grey Watcher lore has it you 'have to chop the snake's head off' but no one has actually seen it up close for a very long time."

"It's late, I'd better head back home. Thanks for the advice!"

"My pleasure."

Kalli enjoyed the way he said 'pleasure'. She could also tell that he had no clue as to his effect on women. He was charming and awkward and adorable. With her luck he was probably going steady already.

"Have a good night then" Alley said and stuck out his hand.

Kalli stared at it in bemusement for a second, then shook it formally.

"Good night Alley" she said with a smile.


	5. Chapter 5

Summer Reverie

ht tp:/f /d1pntid Eyecandy

ht tp:/yo utu .be/-E4FRtrD9aQ Theme song

The next day, Kalli made a point to walk past Alley's lifeguard station. Later, during his lunch break he asked her to join him for ice cream. They walked back to his station afterwards and chatted while he was on guard duty. Kalli practically skipped back home.

Alley was adorable. He had a good sense of humour, was good looking and sweet tempered. And she was pretty sure he liked her.

The week passed much the same. They both found more and more opportunities to spend time with each other.

One afternoon they were walking along the beach. The sun was just starting to set. Kalli turned to look at the colours over the ocean. Alley put his arm around her and she leaned into him. She felt so safe and secure that way. They stood there until the sun had set completely.

When the sky was full dark and they could only just see each other's faces Alley turned to her and said "Kalli, I'd like to ask you something."

"What, Alley?" Kalli replied. Her heart was skipping beats.

"Would you, would you like to go, go steady? With me?"

"I'd love to Alley" she said and flung her arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug.

After a second's pause, Alley hugged her back.

For a moment Kalli hoped he would kiss her, but when they broke apart, he shook her hand warmly.

He left with a promise to look her up for lunch the next day.

As the tall young man walked away, Kalli thought "What a goof!' But he was her goof.

{A/N, the next episode is tentatively named "Nobody Meaner'}


End file.
